Divorce: Things You Need To Stop Fighting About #3- The Past

August 26, 2016

Your divorce is looming. Unsolicited advice is being thrown at you from your family, divorced friends, and sometimes even random strangers. I’ll be the first to tell you; don’t believe everything other people say about divorce. There is a lot of misinformation out there. Every divorce is different with different sets of issues. What may be perceived as typical of divorce to your friend may not really apply to your divorce. Please, please do not make your decisions based on your friend’s experience. That usually leads to unnecessary complication and fighting. Not to mention, a lot of needless attorneys fees. Here is the third of three things you need to stop fighting about right now.

#3 The Past

Focus on the future, not the past. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you can’t “win” in a divorce. It is almost unheard of for you to get everything you want or ask for in a divorce. Seriously, focusing on “beating” your spouse is pointless so stop being difficult and try to come to a reasonable agreement. I know this may help you to feel more in control in an otherwise chaotic situation but try to set your hurt aside and really think about the consequences of your actions. He cheated. You should get all of the furniture, right? He wants the bedroom set and big screen TV and refuses to negotiate. You can’t let him “win”. Think about it though and stop threatening court!

What does an all out court brawl look like in reality? You could probably replace all of that furniture and take a vacation with money to spare all for the amount of money you would spend in a grueling he said she said battle of wills. We are talking thousands of dollars on court and attorneys fees. Even worse, if children are involved, they could ultimately suffer most from the ongoing fighting. Court should be a last resort not a tool of intimidation or the result of frustration. It’s often a very long, drawn out process, even for minor disputes, and ultimately in the end there is no way to know if your fighting and thousands of dollars will be worth it because no one knows how the judge will rule.  Then after the judge makes the ruling you are required by court order to follow what a third party decided was best for you and your family.

My advice? Be the bigger person and think long term. Not for your spouse but for yourself. The past got you to this point: divorce. You feel wronged and that’s understandable. However, if you continue to dwell on it during the divorce process and beyond, you will not be able to move on. If you have kids, you need to put your past relationship aside and focus only on getting along to co-parent your children. Don’t get hung up bickering about the small stuff, like the dishes or karaoke machine. In the grand scheme those things are insignificant. Again, is it worth dropping an extra two grand on attorney’s fees for a $200 karaoke machine? Reserve that money for negotiating disputes about the big stuff, like child custody or visitation.

Consider a peaceful divorce.